Before I go
by Syola
Summary: Chloe confesses her feelings for Rachel, and Rachel has to tell her she doesn't feel the same way. Problem is, she's lying.
"I love you, Rachel."

Chloe says it with a fierce look in her eyes. She says it like she's been holding it in forever, like she's been wanting to declare it ever since they met, and maybe she has. Rachel can't tell.

Some part of Rachel has always known, of course.

She's seen it in the way Chloe looks at her when they are both high, seen it when they would rock out to one of Chloe's favorite songs and Chloe would grab her hands and smile, eyes shining.

She's also sensed it when she would tell Chloe she couldn't hang with her that day, that she had other plans not involving her.

Chloe would stick her hands in her pockets and shrug like she didn't really care, but her entire demeanor would change and her eyes would darken.

Rachel stomach would tighten every time that happened. She couldn't stand to disappoint Chloe.

Yes, Rachel already knew of Chloe's feelings for her, but she is still taken aback by her confession.

They are in the junkyard, in their hideout, and Rachel was about to leave early. Like she's done every time they've hung out in the past month.

Chloe had asked her where she was going and Rachel had been vague and unwilling to answer her. This led to Chloe getting pissed and a fight had broken out.

Finally when Rachel had asked her why she cared, why she wouldn't let her have her privacy, Chloe had clenched her fist and told Rachel she loved her.

The silence that follows is louder than any noise Rachel has ever heard. None of them speak in what seems like an eternity, but can't have been more than thirty seconds.

Chloe is the first to say anything.

"Rachel I-" She begins.

"I need to go, I'm sorry." Rachel interrupts.

And with that, she bolts out the door, heart heavy, leaving Chloe standing alone in the shack.

She's crying when she drives home. Music blasting loudly from the radio so she can't hear her own sobs. She has to pull over at a gas-station when she can no longer see the road ahead of her.

She leans forward, hair hanging in front of her eyes. She can't stop thinking about the look in Chloe's eyes when she turned on her heel and ran like a coward.

She just looked so lonely and lost.

After a while Rachel dries her eyes and finds her phone. Three missed calls from Chloe and a text from another number.

 _Come over to my place in thirty minutes_

She hasn't saved his number, to risky considering he is her teacher. And anyway, she knows it by heart now.

So Rachel pushes Chloe to the back of her mind, digs around in her bag and finds her make-up bag.

She reapplies her mascara and lip-gloss, and starts up her car again.

* * *

It's not until nearly midnight Rachel finally gathers the courage to text Chloe back. She's lying on her back in her bed staring at the ceiling in. Both her windows are open, even though it's early April and still a bit cold out.

Rachel doesn't mind. The cold helps her think.

By now, she has two new messages from Chloe:

 _rachel fuck im sorry_

 _can u answer my calls?_

Rachel sighs and starts typing.

 _chloe, im sorry too. i didn't mean to run like that._

She presses send and not even a minute later the phone vibrates.

 _come over?_

 _chloe its like midnight_

 _sneak out the window_

She snorts and rolls her eyes, but text her back:

 _fine ill be there in twenty_

Sneaking out has always been easy. The security at Black-hell is really shitty judging from how many times Rachel has done this and how many times she hasn't been caught.

Kind of ironic considering how Chloe's step-father David is the head of security, and probably the most watchful bordering on stalking person Rachel has ever met.

Lately her dorm room has been feeling more cramped than usual, making her feel trapped and anxious. She tried to spend a weekend over at her parent's house, but after only a few hours of their ability to make her feel completely invisible, she decided it was better to feel lonely when alone rather than feel lonely around the people who were supposed to love her the most.

Honestly, Rachel doesn't feel like she belong anywhere anymore.

She runs across the campus as quietly as she can and grabs her bike. Outside it's even colder and Rachel immediately regret not bringing a jacket.

Thankfully Chloe doesn't live too far away from Blackwell, and nineteen minutes later, Rachel is climbing through the window to Chloe's room.

Chloe herself is sitting cross-legged on the bed, joint in hand, waiting for her.

She's wearing a red muscle tank and her favorite jeans with lots of holes and tears in it. They spent an entire afternoon shredding those jeans together, blasting loud music, while David was shouting at them from downstairs.

The house is eerily quiet, Joyce and David must already be in bed. Rachel doesn't know if she appreciates the silence or loathes it.

She walks slowly to Chloe's bed, and sits down on the edge. Notices how Chloe's hands are shaking.

Rachel doesn't know what to say to her. Can't get her mouth to open, to explain everything she feels. So she just sits in silence, waiting for Chloe to speak first.

And she does. After a while Chloe stumps the joint, and turns her head towards Rachel.

"I know what you are going to say."

"Chloe…"

"I know you don't love me. I know you probably don't even want to be my friend anymore. You're never around, you always ditch me. You're going to leave me, just like everyone else does."

It comes out harsh and bitter. Chloe has turned away from Rachel now, so she can't see Rachel's eyes harden.

"Chloe, don't ever say that! I'm not going to leave you, ever! And I do love you. So much."

She whispers the last part.

Chloe's shoulders tense, and Rachel continues.

"But not in the way you want me to," she finishes, ignoring the thumping of her heart. Chloe slumps forward again and puts her head in her hands.

"I know, I'm so stupid."

Rachel moves to the middle of the bed and slings her arms around Chloe.

"You're not stupid. You're my best friend and I love you, okay? Now come here,"

She uses her right hand to trap Chloe with, and pulls her down next to her. At first Chloe squirms and protests, but then she gives in and lets Rachel put the blanket around them both.

They snuggle close to each other, legs intertwining and Rachel strokes Chloe's hair fondly. She smells of coffee and weed and _Chloe_ , and it's such a heavenly sent to Rachel.

None of them say anything, and after a while Chloe's breathing evens out, and Rachel knows she's asleep.

Rachel can't sleep however.

The guilt is gnawing at her, making her stomach hurt. She knows she's been neglecting Chloe. Knows she's been letting a lot of people down lately.

Like Frank.

Leaving Frank was the right thing to do. He was starting to get violent, controlling.

She still feels guilty. Their relationship started out on just fun and drugs. She would hang out in his RV, they would get high and then sleep together. Afterwards he always sent her away, claiming he was too old for her.

He always came crawling back to her though. She knew she had that effect on people. But after a while he became jealous of the other people she spent her time with. He wanted her to be with him more, to focus all her time on him.

He also got jealous of Chloe, how Rachel almost always prioritized her.

They had had a huge fight about two months ago, ending with Frank screaming at her to leave, so she did.

She waited another week before she met with him again telling him she was sorry, but that she had to leave him entirely.

They had not spoken again since, except from a few text Frank sent while he was high.

Rachel knows Nathan Prescott believes she only screwed Frank to get access to free drugs, but he was wrong. Rachel did love Frank. At least she used to.

But Rachel had never told Chloe about Frank. She didn't even know why, why she would keep Frank hidden like a dirty little secret. Probably because she knew Chloe would get jealous and feel betrayed. There had been plenty of times for Rachel to tell her, but she always chickened out.

Honestly, Rachel isn't really sure about her own feelings for the blue haired punk. Maybe if things were different, and Rachel wasn't caught up with someone else she might be able to love her the way Chloe wanted.

She lifts her hand and gently tugs at her blue feather earring. Chloe had made it for her after Rachel helped her dye her hair blue. "Now we match!" she had said when she presented it to her. Rachel never took it off.

The moonlight shines through Chloe's window, making her hair extra vibrant and beautiful. It's a mesmerizing sight, and Rachel can't quite look away from the sleeping girl next to her.

* * *

It's only about a month later when she is tied up and drugged and _betrayed_ , Rachel realize she's been lying to herself this whole time.

So when Jefferson gives her the dose that proves to be fatal, the last thing she ever think about is blue hair, and how she never got to say `I love you too' in the way she had been feeling all along.


End file.
